I try to be pragmatic. I try to follow philosophies that allow me to understand, because when you understand you feel no pain. I think, for instance, in that old philosophical saying, Death can be untimely, but never surprising. And then, in trying to bring this to modern-day words, I think about what my philosophy teacher once said: The only thing you need in order to die, is to be alive.
I wish I had the strong Faith some people have; that way, I could easily find solace and comfort in the situation, thinking that he who has left this worldly terrain is now in heaven.
I try to think about it in a scientific way. I try to think that the decomposition of the body is nothing but a chemical reaction, and that the lack of being is just some sort of chemical malfunction or so--I haven't really given much deep thought to this scientific approach.
I try to be pragmatic. I try not to let feelings get in the way.
But Pragmatism was more than likely created only for machines. And I am most certainly not a machine. I have feelings. And these feelings always get in the way. Stupid feelings.
Today I was informed of an incredibly sad event: Mr. Grickis passed away. I try to be pragmatic, and I try to think about the fact that he was battling cancer, and that he was weak, and that he was in pain... but my stupid feelings get in the way and I feel this enormous loss... I feel this void... icy void... What does one say? What does one do? What does one think?
It was quite awkward, actually, how I found out.
I was celebrating a Birthday party--celebrating the joy of life; celebrating one more year of laughter and happiness; celebrating one more day together with family and friends... and it was during a moment of intense happiness, during a moment of loud laughter, the type of laughter that makes your cheeks and stomach hurt--during this moment, I got a message and it said only, Ron passed away this morning.
Unable to leave the party, I remained in my seat and concentrated on all the good--no, on all the great moments with Mr. Grickis. And I smiled, and laughed, and I felt happy, proud and priviledged to have known him. I think that is exactly what Mr. Grickis would have wanted: he would have wanted to have his life celebrated.
As I sit here, my heart aches with pain. It is so sad to have lost him. And pragmatism is Quatsch.
But then I think, it's important to feel sad once in a while. It's important, because then you get to appreciate and enjoy happiness so much more. I think you are familiar with this cheesy saying, something along the lines of if you don't have rain, you'll never enjoy a rainbow... I don't mean to say that I can only appreciate Mr. Grickis now that he's gone. I mean to say that today I can (and should) appreciate the gift of life even more.
I get one more day alive. I get one more day with Honey. I get one more day with my Siedenburg family. I get one more Skype chat with my Sister. I get one more phone call from my Mother. I get one more snowfall, and I get to walk in this snow one more day with my friends. I get one more day to complain about how cold it is. I get one more day without sun, but I get to take one more nap at noon in the dark. I get one more day to write in my blog. I get one more day to make plans--I love making plans. I get one more day to live.
Sad days will come. It's inevitable. And sad days will come, and you will be alone. As I was, surrounded by people, but alone in my feeling of loss and sadness. Sad says will come, and it will be cold, and quiet, and monochromatic, and dull, and it will only make your sorrow greater. Sad days will come... and then, you will endure them, and you will survive.
And then you will smile.
Bon voyage, Mr. Grickis. Fahrt gut nach Hause. Wherever it is that Good People go, that is where you are. And I hope you have internet access there, so that you can see that I wrote this for you. And please stay updated, I will eventually stop giving the milk away for free, and will sell the cow. It's bound to happen sooner or later...
As for all of us who are still here, who still have one more day--let's try to make the best of it. We don't have to change the world (it would be awesome if we could...), we just have to change ourselves: one little change at a time. One less frown, one more smile. One less scolding, one more hug. One less complaint, one more thanks...
As for me, I will cry for a little bit, because crying cleanses the Soul and, in the end, its cathartic nature makes it healthy. And then, tomorrow, when "the sun rises", I will smile and try to make the world a better place. Starting with my messy bedroom...