Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Striptease

I take off my panties.

I wanted to start this blog in medias res, but I opted for the more Gabriel-García-Márquez-esque style of telling you exactly how my story will end (which, with a title such as "Striptease", really is no surprise...) just to entice you to read the whole story.

What's interesting about my Striptease is that it lasts about 15 minutes--not because I'm so sexy and all, but because I have so much clothes on! Poor Honey. At first he is into it--quite into it.  But after the first 3 minutes of watching me take my layers off, like an onion, he turns on the TV and channel-surfs. Not that I blame him. Usually I myself get so bored, that I start either talking about my day or I turn on my computer...

So, here it goes. Try to read it using your sexiest voice, and try to hear the "bow chiki wow wow" strip-type music. Or a hard guitar strum, "da da da da daaaa". Whatever floats your boat. Or whatever rocks your boat. And if you don't have or don't like boats, then whatever suits you best. Yeah--like the Cachacos say, "se le tiene".

*cue sexy stripper music*

I take off my hat.

It really is Honey's. His mom made it for him. I know I shouldn't wear it, but it REALLY feels so nice and warm and cozy!

I take off my rain jacket.

That alone takes about a minute, because I have to take out the keys from one pocket, my iPhone from another pocket, and make sure that I don't take off my other two jackets while taking this one off.


I take off my scarf.

Also made by Honey's mom. She is so skilled at the knitting thing. Of course it matches my hat. His hat.


I take off my first sweater.

Here I have to make sure that it is not in-side-out, and hang it properly on the coat rack. Otherwise, there will be more clothes on the floor than floorboard tiles in our room.


I take off my second sweater.

My hair is a mess... and I'm quite hot. Not hot as in "sexy", but hot as in I-just-rode-my-bike-for-three-kilometers-uphill-while-wearing-five-layers-of-clothing-and-the-heating-is-on-max... I wonder how many of my non-metric-system-friendly-friends will have to use a converter to figure out how much three kilometers is...


I take off my shirt.

I'm so totally sweating by now... I smell it. Yes, Pearl, I have not changed much. The veredict is always the same: must be washed.


I take off my undershirt.

Finally, a little skin is showing... I failed to mention earlier that my face is totally red, not only because of the aforementioned temperature and exercise thingy, but also because apparently the cold wind burns my face. Oh, yeah. I'm so sexy...


I take off my tennis shoes.

For some strange reason, I always seem to forget them. But I must immediately place them on the shoe-rack, otherwise I'll be thinking about them all night long.


I take off my socks.

Usually fucsia, purple, green or blue. Because during this winter weather, a girls needs a little bit of color in her life. Even if no one else can see it.


I take off my pants.

You'd think you're getting close to the good stuff here... but by this time, Honey is completely immersed in whatever show is going on. His latest guilty pleasure is "Bauern sucht Frau", a show in which Farm owners publish ads on the newspapers, saying that they're looking for a wife. I am astounded and absolutely aghast to see how many women actually respond to this ad! The men are usually ugly, or stupid, or old--or all three, in one particular case. I did NOT have that idea about farmers. I thought they were strapping young men waiting to sweep me off my feet or something like that. 


Are you bored yet? Have you completely forgotten why you started to read this? Yeah... that's how Honey feels.


I take off my winter panty-hose.

I'm short. That's my reality. My dad sometimes jokes about my height... a joke too inappropriate to share with the world... but somewhere my sister and my mom are laughing. Honey too, most likely. Anyway: I'm short. And I'm OK with that, even if I can't place my feet on the ground when sitting on any German chair... so, I buy "S" sized panty-hose. "S" stands for SMALL. (Si me estás leyendo, Sandra, te estarás muriendo de la risa... esto lo escribí por ti!!) However, apparently for the panty-hose manufacturers, all Small-sized women are also incredibly skinny. So my panty-hose are OK length-wise, from my toes to my crotch area, but way too tight on my thighs, and WAAAAAAY too tight on my stomach! Yes, all you women reading this totally understand what I mean, right? Since they are so tight, I can't really stand on one foot and take off one leg at a time, I must fumble a little (while trying to be sexy. Remember, this is, after all, a Strip Tease!) and then finally give in and sit down... to take off one leg at a time while complaining and whining.


I take off my winter underpants.

Did you seriously believe that was all? Ah, you have much to learn about me. Cris and Catalina are probably frustrated with me now, but you must remember: This is my first REAL winter! And it's not even winter yet! And no, I have no idea what I will do when the real winter starts. Anyone have a spare plane ticket to Barranquilla?!? My winter underpants have hair inside. Cris, I bet you're rolling your eyes at me now! They are so wonderful. Remember that teddy  bear you used to looooooove touching? Maybe it was your little brother's or sister's, maybe it was yours, maybe you just felt it once in a store one time... that soft, hairy feeling... ah, that's how my legs feel all day long. Again, size S... again, too tight.... again, must sit to take off... 


Honey is falling asleep... 


I take off my undersocks...

I take off my panties. And my bra.

Whew. I thought that was never going to be over. Unfortunately, my romantic-erotic evening was completely shut down, re-scheduled, canceled even, because it just takes too damn long to undress! 


In any case, my classes end this Friday; on Saturday I take my B1 Prüfung, and hopefully my life (and schedule) will change. I'll keep you posted. Not TMI posted, but enough to keep you interested. ;-)

4 comments:

  1. I just want to say: OMG! you are going to die cooked in clothes...it's not even winter yet :S.
    I don't want to imagine this same post when REAL winter hits...it will be 3 times as long, but maybe even more entertaining :D

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  2. Brilliant. I swear you should republish the striptease portion as "Strip-tease de una Colombiana en el Invierno Alemán".

    :)

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  3. haha i read that your mom made the hat... and i was like "Irene?? seriously???". Irene is very tallented, but i can not see her knitting :-)

    As always, nice to read. Look at the bright side, when winter comes, they should open the Christmas Markets, which means, a lot of Punsch and Glüwein!

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  4. I respect your first winter.. try the ski socks, they are wonderful under the boots!
    I'm going to Finland today and my goal is to try to look classy in winter clothes, like, to be in a dress and boots. Let's see. :)
    Cata wants to see your post during real winter, I want to see the post in a couple of years.. you'll be in skirts (with a thick panty hose, that's all)! besitos!

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