I don't need fixin'. I'm allowed to complain, I'm allowed to feel uncomfortable, I'm allowed to not feel good. Also, I'm allowed to express my discomfort out loud. You're allowed to not like my whining, and you're allowed to whine about my whining. It's your prerrogative: my rights end where yours begin, and viceversa.
What you're not allowed to do is fix me, especially when I don't need fixin'.
Some people think they need to fix everything and everyone, and that they need to provide answers and solutions and fixin's. Dude, if I want your answer, I will ask you a question. It will be direct and straight forward. It will be impossible to miss. It will be something along the lines of, "What do you think I should do?" Then, only then, I want you to fix me. Otherwise, leave me alone.
You might think that, if I don't want your answers, I should not ask you questions. Well, that's the thing: I'm not asking you a question. In fact, I'm not asking a question at all! What part of, "My skin is dry..." is a question? I don't need you to scold me about my using the wrong lotion, the wrong quantities, the wrong application mode, the wrong time of day... What part of, "I'm feeling kinda hot right now..." is a question? I don't need you to mock me for feeling cold just a few hours earlier, I don't need you to throw in my face that I was born in a Caribbean city and that I am not "allowed" to feel hot, I don't need you to even acknowledge my comment. What part of, "I want something, but I'm not sure what..." is a question? If I have a craving and I can't identify it, odds are you won't identify it for me. Shut up and let me think.
I hate being evaluated, and I hate being given answers to when I haven't asked for them. I don't need fixin'.
What happened to the good old-fashioned conversations? I have to give public kudos to my sister here, she is the best for that: she is awesome at having normal, non-fixin' conversations. To my "My skin is dry..." comment, she would reply, "Mine too," or "Mine isn't". To my "I'm feeling kinda hot right now" comment, she would reply, "OMG, me too!" or, "Really? I actually feel pretty damn good." To my "I want something, but I'm not sure what..." comment, she would reply, "Agh, me too. I hate it when that happens. What do you have here?" My sister has never tried to fix me. In fact, even when I ask for her opinion, she kind of takes the easy way out...
I like her honesty, though: why would she try to fix me, when she herself is not fixed?
None of us are fixed. We all have issues. We all have problems. We need to fix ourselves before we can even pretend to fix others.
Sometimes I just want to be heard. (Or read.) I wrote an email to my best friend this weekend, and it had a very important editorial note: "I'm just ranting..." That meant, "be prepared to read about 10 pages of me going on and on about stupid stuff that I can either avoid and choose not to, or fix and choose not to, or take some other positive action that I also choose not to take, just so that I can continue to rant... so don't try to fix me. Just read." He gets it. He's actually very polite when we talk (talked) face to face. He will either ask permision to offer a "fixing" comment (which I will usually deny), or he will go along with it. I love him for that. When needed, however, he will politely yet poignantly fix me. Or at least point out my mistakes in need of fixin'.
Of course I've done nothing but rant in this post. That's the beauty of Blogs. I can write whatever I want. And when the comments come in, "You know what you should do...", I can just delete them. That's what I should do.
Because I'm not baroque. I don't need fixin'.
What you're not allowed to do is fix me, especially when I don't need fixin'.
Some people think they need to fix everything and everyone, and that they need to provide answers and solutions and fixin's. Dude, if I want your answer, I will ask you a question. It will be direct and straight forward. It will be impossible to miss. It will be something along the lines of, "What do you think I should do?" Then, only then, I want you to fix me. Otherwise, leave me alone.
You might think that, if I don't want your answers, I should not ask you questions. Well, that's the thing: I'm not asking you a question. In fact, I'm not asking a question at all! What part of, "My skin is dry..." is a question? I don't need you to scold me about my using the wrong lotion, the wrong quantities, the wrong application mode, the wrong time of day... What part of, "I'm feeling kinda hot right now..." is a question? I don't need you to mock me for feeling cold just a few hours earlier, I don't need you to throw in my face that I was born in a Caribbean city and that I am not "allowed" to feel hot, I don't need you to even acknowledge my comment. What part of, "I want something, but I'm not sure what..." is a question? If I have a craving and I can't identify it, odds are you won't identify it for me. Shut up and let me think.
I hate being evaluated, and I hate being given answers to when I haven't asked for them. I don't need fixin'.
What happened to the good old-fashioned conversations? I have to give public kudos to my sister here, she is the best for that: she is awesome at having normal, non-fixin' conversations. To my "My skin is dry..." comment, she would reply, "Mine too," or "Mine isn't". To my "I'm feeling kinda hot right now" comment, she would reply, "OMG, me too!" or, "Really? I actually feel pretty damn good." To my "I want something, but I'm not sure what..." comment, she would reply, "Agh, me too. I hate it when that happens. What do you have here?" My sister has never tried to fix me. In fact, even when I ask for her opinion, she kind of takes the easy way out...
I like her honesty, though: why would she try to fix me, when she herself is not fixed?
None of us are fixed. We all have issues. We all have problems. We need to fix ourselves before we can even pretend to fix others.
Sometimes I just want to be heard. (Or read.) I wrote an email to my best friend this weekend, and it had a very important editorial note: "I'm just ranting..." That meant, "be prepared to read about 10 pages of me going on and on about stupid stuff that I can either avoid and choose not to, or fix and choose not to, or take some other positive action that I also choose not to take, just so that I can continue to rant... so don't try to fix me. Just read." He gets it. He's actually very polite when we talk (talked) face to face. He will either ask permision to offer a "fixing" comment (which I will usually deny), or he will go along with it. I love him for that. When needed, however, he will politely yet poignantly fix me. Or at least point out my mistakes in need of fixin'.
Of course I've done nothing but rant in this post. That's the beauty of Blogs. I can write whatever I want. And when the comments come in, "You know what you should do...", I can just delete them. That's what I should do.
Because I'm not baroque. I don't need fixin'.
I don't need that either ;)
ReplyDeleteI totally get your point, so I won't fix you, I'll hug you unfinnished, just like I am =)
XOXO
Get better soon... are you better yet? I want another ice cream! ;)
Yaaaayyy, I'm gonna have ice cream tomorrow afternoon! =)
ReplyDeleteThis time I will take a picture =) You'll see ;)