Enough

I woke up at 6 am today. This wasn't early enough. 

I got ready for the day. Took my oldest to school, took my youngest to his yearly check-up, then to Kindergarten. Went to work, handled calls and emails and tasks and had only 2 cups of coffee. 

All of this wasn't enough.

I picked up my children and their friends, served as carpool for one and as "home for the day" for the other. I prepared a balanced, home-cooked meal from scratch, including potatoes that I had harvested with my children a few weeks earlier - which (I also feel is relevant to point out) we had planted a few months earlier. While the kids ate, I unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen and finished a load of laundry. And still, this wasn't enough.

One kid was picked up for sport, another kid came to replace him. While the children played, I tended to the garden, I checked the mailbox, I picked up after them, I tidied up a bit. Then I took those 3 kids to their sport and picked up 4 new kids to bring them to my place for a playdate. Now while these kids destroyed the house playing, I sat down with my friend and had a cup of tea, while planing the carpool for swimming, that birthday party that we're both invited to, checking to see whether we might be able to take a short vacation six months from now. I may make it seem like we were conversing flawlessly and uninterrupted, but the fact of the matter is that we were both also playing referree to those 4 kids: there were guitars thrown at people's faces, there was a poop-in-pants incident, there were loud giggles and then painful cries, the same kid almost fell down the stairs twice, there was silence that terrified us and then we realized that the kids thought it would be hilarious to spread all the clean laundry on the floor and step on it. Also, there was toothpaste on the sink?! I cleaned up after all 4 kids, then 3 kids left and my oldest came back. 

Nothing that I did that afternoon was enough.

I made dinner for my children. We sat down at the dinner table and talked about Pangea, about how sad we are that some dinosaurs are extinct but how relieved we are that some actually are (bye-bye T-Rex!), about how oil comes from the earth and glass is made from sand and what will happen if all of the sand on the earth is used up and what about volcanoes and how are island made and omg have you noticed this sentence has no punctuation because that it exactly how our dinner conversation went just nonstop all the time one kid talking and the other talking and me in the middle trying to answer all their questions until I ran out of answers.

That was all not good enough.

We went upstairs and got ready for bed. Teeth brushed, fresh PJs chosen, books read, questions (more questions) were answered and discussed and debated. Good-night calls were made. I sang Christoph his good-night song. I put my forehead on Rolfie's forehead and reminded him that I loved him. I tucked them both in and still sat down with them until they fell asleep. Once they fell asleep I made sure they were nice and warm, that the night-light was working properly, that the humidifier had enough eucalyptus oil to help them both sleep better, that all clothes were in their place, that the closet doors were closed, that no toys were left on the floor. I left their room and did one last around-the-house-pick-up: living room, dining room, kitchen. I loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the countertop, put things back in their place. 

Still with that voice inside my head (is it really inside my head, though?) asking whether I had done enough.

I jogged for 30 minutes on my treadmill. I showered. I cleaned the bathroom. I put more laundry away. I sat down to type this, I answered messages, I started to fill in those papers and forms and documents that require my attention. 

Around midnight I had no energy left, but I kep wondering why I was so tired, if I had done nothing all day. Nothing. Nothing was accomplished, nothing was completed, nothing was enough.

And that was the moment I came to the realization that I am enough. What I do is enough. 

The fact that you were unable to see this is not my problem. And now I am the one who has had enough.