Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Verboten

I like German words because they sound powerful. There is one word that I have come to respect greatly. It sounds awesome (it kinda rolls on your tongue) and it is regal, majestic, and final: Verboten. It means "forbidden", but forbidden still sounds like something you can do when no one is watching. When something is verboten you better seriously NOT do it.

Since we signed the documents which make us legally married in Germany, my husband has a "Verboten" one-item-list to abide by. Upon reading said one-item-list, and the subsequent Sub-clauses, you might think that I am much too influenced by the media. If so, I say to you, Perhaps. Yes. But still, my husband is mine, and is verboten from doing the following things.

(1) Die. My husband may not die. Ever.

- Sub-clause A: My husband shall not run, handle, manage, work in, above or at a crystal meth laboratory, stationary or otherwise. He may not consume, sell, distribute or handle crystal meth in any way. My husband shall also not be a DEA officer, especially not one going after crystal meth labs. Not because of moral principles, but because involvement in such laboratory, or in the chasing after such lab, may present an infringement of Rule No. 1 in the Verboten List.

- Sub-clause B: My husband shall not preside over or belong to a motorcycle club, regardless of whose Sons they are. He shall also not be a Sheriff in a town ran by a motorcycle club. He shall also not run a strip club, or an escort service, or a porn business in said town run by a motorcycle club. Not because of issues of faithfulness, but because said business may present an infringement of Rule No. 1 in the Verboten List.

- Sub-clause C: My husband shall not fight against zombies, in Atlanta or anywhere else in the world. My husband shall not try to be a hero and save women who are constantly placing themselves in harm's way. He shall not try to save the world, just me. Upon a close encounter with a zombie, such that requires him to fight, he must come out victorious. If the zombie wins and infects him, although he is not "technically" dead, that will still be considered a violation of Rule No. 1 in the Verboten List.

- Sub-clause D: My husband shall not be a lord knight trying to give the kingdom back to the rightful king. He shall take was is given to him, or not, and come back home to me, where he belongs. Should he ignore this Sub-clause and lead a rebellion, he must win. His being defeated and subsequently beheaded would break Rule No. 1 in the Verboten List.

- Sub-clause E: My husband shall not get caught being a mass murderer. It is preferred that he not be one, but should he find himself being unable to combat biological needs to murder guilty, bad people, he has no permission to get caught. If he gets caught, however, he must make sure to get caught in a country with no death penalty, as being placed on death row constitutes an imminent violation of Rule No. 1 in the Verboten List.

It is a simple list. Seems easy enough to follow.

But were he to break one of these sub-clauses and therefore die, I will kill him.

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